Saturday, August 26, 2006

10 Reasons

Reason #1: Playa Dust

Reason #2: Cutesy Wootsey Artsy Fartsy

We are part of a registered theme that will be located at about 7:30 Eager with huge shade structure. There will be about 35 people in our camp. We are an intelligent and fun camp of 20 - 30 somethings, diverse group
mostly straight, like to make jokes

Reason #3: It Is A Shit Magnet

Reply to:
Date: 2006-08-25, 5:05PM PDT
Hi! are you a pilot? Going to burning man? 4th time burner seeking round trip air transport from Bay Area to Black rock city. Will generously assist with associated fuel and maintenance cost to travel there. If you are going already, its win/win. Can leave Wednesday or Thursday from bay area. Would like to return Sunday or Monday No worries... I'm traveling light this year. Let's talk! Thanks!

Reason #4: It's in FUCKING NEVADA

Reason #5: It Is A Shit Magnet
Reply to: Date: 2006-08-26, 7:37AM PDT
This is not your $50.00 throwaway thrash bike that will guarantee to break and fall apart out there.....this is a nice beach style cruiser that will not only last this weekend , but the next and the next BM episodes. It's in excellent condition for $150 OBO / you're gonna spend that much in decorations anyway, you can have that peace of mind that it will carry you thruout the event without any breakage, flats, and pieces dropping apart as you ride during the super hot, windy days and cooler dried nites for.. H20, for exploration, and even for emergencies...does that make sense at all B'ers, why spend $20-50 for someone's fixer uppers to have it die out there before you even began.....It will be gone fast before this Sunday.

Reason #6: I Have Had It With Cutesy Wootsey Artsy Fucktards

Reason #7: It's A Waste
I thought, "Why not? What could a few days in the desert hurt?"
How about my wallet for starters?

A last-minute ticket costs a whopping $350. Tack on to that an extra $150 in supplies. Now factor in that I borrowed half the actual camping equipment (tent, sleeping bag, mini stove) and you have an idea of what this little experiment in "non-corporate living" really costs. As I stood outside Black Rock City waiting to buy my ticket for "Dirt Fest 2004," I was approached by my first burner of the trip. He offered me a ticket stub for less than half the price of the ticket I was about to buy. When I turned him down, he gave me a 20-minute lecture on how people need to learn to trust each other. It's not that I don't trust all people, I just don't trust people who don't have enough sense to comb whatever they just ate out of their beard. When I entered the city, I quickly found an empty area and set up camp. I had worn sandals on the drive out and a neighbor quickly ran up to introduce himself and offer advice on foot care to prevent "playa foot."

Reason #8: Charging To Enjoy BLM Land
Burning Man is "an alternative to mass culture and consumer society" whose anti-consumerist message is "an ingrained ethic that is inherent in all aspects of the event." Except its promotion of course. Tickets cost $225.00 in American consumer-society dollars for access to our public desert, and do not include food, water, or shelter. (see
Do yourself a favor. If you ever get the chance to go to Burning Man just stay home, sit in direct sunlight for a few hours while listening to The Grateful Dead, have a friend throw dirt on you and then flog you. Cap off the night by burning a twig and dancing around it to techno and you will have experienced all that Burning Man has to offer.

Reason #9: It Is A Major Shit Magnet
Mmmm, nothing says breakfast on the playa like chips and salsa while watching a naked guy wash his perineum.
If that wasn't enough, no morning was complete without a visit from the water truck. Sent around with non-potable water to pack the dust down, it was like a burner ice cream truck. It rumbled down the street dispensing its murky water and within seconds burners all over dropped their Frisbees and pipes and stripped naked.
Ever seen a 300-pound woman pole dance? Ever seen a 50-year-old man with an erection get spanked by a ping-pong paddle? Ever seen a pregnant woman with a Star of David on her stomach make out with a chick dressed like a vampire? Ever fallen asleep and then woken up to the same techno song? No? Never? Because I have. "Well, it's an experience." Yeah, so is slamming my face in a car door. "It's one of those things you just have to try for yourself." Really? You sure about that? Because I was pretty sure I could go my whole life without getting a sunburn and frostbite in the same day. Much like burners themselves, this festival really has nothing to offer the world other than useless "peace, love, be cool" rhetoric. If I wanted that, I could go to Blockbuster and rent "Woodstock."

Reason #10: Playa Dust
I'm happy to say I did not get playa foot while I was there. I am unhappy to say that I did get playa everything else.
Playa hand? Check.
Playa hair? Check.
Playa eyes? Check.
Playa genitals? Double check.
I have four days worth of clothes that look like I pulled them from quicksand. By Sunday, I looked like Pig Pen from Peanuts: just a swirling dust cloud with a Bud Light in hand. And the worst part was that I was probably the cleanest person there. Burners have somehow come up with new ways to get dirty. If you think a burner is dirty while they are in civilization, just try and imagine the filthiness of one that has been living in the desert for a week without access to a shower. Imagine the dirtiest person you've ever seen. Now multiply their dirtiness by ten. Now cover that new person in dirt. That person would still be grossed out by some of the people I saw.

It's no more adventurous than camping in your back yard with a Halloween mask on.


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